I was listening to a podcast by Frederica M-G and within it she made a comment that she feels that men and women should marry young. Basically her premise was that it's hard to remain chaste and single. Obviously she wasn't making a definitive statement, but was simply being practical. Another person in the podcast made a comment about the inability of young, single people to commit simply because they've been encouraged for so long to keep their options in life open (not just with regard to relationships, but certainly there, too).
Having just celebrated my 33rd single birthday I can bear witness to the difficulty of which she speaks, and I am left to ponder the other statement regarding commitment. My own life story defending against or confirming the point, isn't really the issue, though.
I spoke recently with a divorced man around the age of my father who feels very strongly that few should remain single, and that if he doesn't remarry in the next few years he will seriously consider monasticism. In a day and age when singles are becoming more and more numerous, I am left to ponder his words, as well.
What are your thoughts? Some of you are married. Some of you are single. Some of you are seriously considering monasticism. Most of you are truly Orthodorks so you've read the Fathers. We've all read about the two path -- marriage and monasticism. What of the "non-young," single person?
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15 comments:
I am not sure what you are getting at? Are you saying that if you don't marry by a certain age then by default you should consider the monastic life? I don't think that can be right. Monastic life is a calling. It is a positive choice not a "default".
This discussion is huge. Why do we marry in the first place? Is it just to prevent temptation?
I agree; monasteries are not really looking for people who've given up on married life or the potential for it. They're looking for people who really *want* to be monks. I've heard that some monasteries even have upper age limits on new initiates so as to avoid people trying to use the monastic life as a retirement home or a last resort.
I'm not really "getting at" anything. I'm simply asking a question. When I was a catechumen I was told by a nun that if I'm not married by the time I was 30 then I need to become a nun. I almost didn't become Orthodox! That freaked me out! Gratefully, my spiritual father was there and heard the comment and did a lot to bring balance to her perspective, but I can't say that it didn't stick in the back of my head on my 30th birthday.
Two stories: I know one woman who adopted a child because marriage didn't seem to be in the cards and she saw that as a single person her life was becoming more and more selfish.
I also remember a conversation with a former marriage and family therapy classmate wherein I asked him once, "What do you miss most about being married?" (he was divorced). He said, "As a single man I have noticed that my strengths are getting weaker and my weaknesses are getting worse. The difficult reality is that I don't have that daily mirror in my life any more."
Ok, so these are both anecdotal conversations which really do very little to make a point other than that every person travels their own path. My point isn't to bring about the argument that monasteries are default locations for those who never found a spouse, but rather to ask the question that RW began to ask... "What is the point of marriage?" and subsequently, "What is the point of monasticism?" I think, though, that if you're going to ask these two questions you also have to ask, "What is the point of singleness?" I suppose one could answer each question with one response... Communion with God.
What of the practical implications made by Frederia M-G? What of the reality of non-commitment being made by singles today?
Again, I don't think a definitive statement can be made about any of these things, but a discussion can take place. Perhaps there is a perspective that protects the "calling of monasticism," and the "calling of marriage," and yet also brings understanding to the "default life" of singleness.
This is a complex question I think. My thoughts, such as they are... first - 33 is not old. More and more people are getting married at an older age.
I have heard, by sincere and mature Orthodox Christians that the models usually are one or the other. But my spiritual father also made the point that just because one is not married, does not mean they are called to be a monastic.
It is a huge question that I feel is not addressed much - how to live as a single woman or man in the world as an Orthodox Christian. But, in another way, well we have to live just like the Other Orthodox Christians! Go to church, confession, take communion prayerfully, pray, do spiritual reading, i.e. participate in the life of the Church.
But singlehood (as I can attest) does have its challenges - a single income, no one to consult with for life decisions (of course we singles have friends but it is different than making life decisions as a couple; a single in the end has to make the decision alone), ...
But it has its joys too. i.e. I can go to as many church services as I can and am able to! :)
I am glad that Orthodoxy is big enough to not have a ‘one-answer-only’ approach and that God is merciful as we try to work out living in the world and living out our salvation…
intersting
JNORM888
One abbot I know told me that if you feel called to the monastic life, it's best to get tonsured while you're young, before you get a standard of living and before you get too set in your ways.
My own opinion is that there's nothing wrong with just being single and making chaste singlehood into your Christian struggle. If it's time for you to get married or tonsured, you'll know.
I will say that unless one is in some kind of daily, personal dynamic, be it marriage or monasticism, one will never truly see themself. Like it or not in either of these situations there is inescapable feedback on one's character and choices. I'm not sure it's as graphic or certain being single.
A picture of what i mean is my wife and i suffer through quite pathetic homilies at our parish and she commented to me one day, "if he were married his wife would never let him go on like this."...funny but very true.
There is a built in reality gauge in living in an intimate vowed relationship that cannot be simulated otherwise.
Both marriage and the celibate single life are blessed conditions. Both are equally challenging and lived by God's grace alone. When we fall, HIS grace and mercy are able to restore us to the path. The problem is knowing to which path our Lord is calling us.
I understand why some encourage marrying young, but those who wait to marry tend to have better communication skills and a clearer sense of self, and these are very important in marriage.
May God guide you by the hand in your future course.
I am 34 years old, and I have been happily married for 9 years. I have four beautiful children whom, together with my wife, are the treasures of my life. I point that out as a preface to this: temptations do not disappear just because you get married.
It is a mistake (and I don't know if Frederica made this or not as I did not hear the podcast) to think that "getting married young" solves the problems of purity. It can certainly help, but I don't think celibacy should be viewed as a negative path or an undesirable path because of temptations.
And, again, the bottom line is that marriage does not simply solve the temptations associated with celibacy. Any married man -- or at least I would wager most -- will tell you that if they struggled with purity before, they still fight those demons. Both the celibate AND the married are called to wrestle against temptations because both are faced with those struggles to remain chaste!
I think the Christian life is that everyone should be in community, either of marriage or a monastery. If you're in neither of those, aren't you living a selfish life?
Anonymous,
I think there is a line of thinking that agrees with you in principle, but I think it's a bit impossible to draw that clear of a line. "What? You're single? Then you're selfish." It's not as though the married person can kick his shoes off and say, "Phew, now I'm in the clear!" I was a marriage therapist for years and I can tell you that selfishness is found everywhere. I also know singles who are incredibly giving. I heard a nun once say that if you're single then you must work harder to see to it that your life isn't a selfish one. It's probably to the advantage of singles to have a Spiritual Father to assist them specifically with this task.
However, for people like me, 33 and single, neither monasticism nor marriage is an option at the moment. Life is always going to present people like me to stand in contrast to the "rule" and in each life there will always be moments like these. I suppose the answer is always... pray.
I kind of get the idea from reading St. Basil the Great that all Christians should be living lives that resemble monasticism, whether they are married, monastic, or non-moanstic unmarried.
As for marrying young, I agree it is better than waiting, IF you have made yourself into a person who can be a good husband or wife.
My husband was older when we married- ie nearing 40. He was not single because he wanted to be, rather because he lived by the church and had not met anybody with the same values. His life was on hold- lots of work and lots of church to distract him from the fact he wasn't married. He was no more spiritual for being single than his married friends were for being married.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that not everybody in the church who's single is happily so. If the opportunity comes along to marry and that's what you want, there should be no age limit. Not all of us are intended to marry in our early 20s.
My experience with my own sister, now 40 and just recently engaged is that it is possible to have a happy life as a single person for some time and perhaps for a lifetime.
Certainly if you believe you wish to have a sexual life then you should, as our Faith teaches us, marry as this is the only legitimate context for a non celibate life. But a person can be perfectly happy and enjoying a full life without marriage and for some single life may not be just an in- terlude before marriage but a life long state. This is certainly a legitimate form of family in the eyes of Orthodoxy.
Sometimes its kind of odd that while our society obsesses about sex in the form of promiscuity we in the Church can obsess about it in our constant insistence on everyone being married and our suspicion of those who aren't. We've forgotten that single life, even if its not in a monastery, has its rewards, pleasures, and a place in our life.
If a person is single because they simply want to "do it" without commitment then they have issues to work through. If, however, they have yet to find someone and remain chaste in anticipation or are happy without being married and chaste as a matter of course these are both acceptable options.
I believe a person should marry when G-d brings the right person into their life, and that a person should become a nun or monk only if called to do so.
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